Hindsight: Mothering Through Fear

This picture speaks volumes to me. I remember every detail of when this picture was taken and how I was feeling at the time. Overwhelmed, afraid and in love. That about sums it up.

In the picture, Alex is 11 months old and Olivia is 2 weeks old.

At the time, I did a fairly good job of covering up my fears and insecurities and acting like I had my act together. On the outside, I was organized and staying on top of everything. But inside, I was scared. I didn't know how to mother 2 children less than a year apart. Isabelle and Alex were almost 5 years apart. That was a piece of cake. But this new situation? I was clueless.

Throughout my pregnancy, every where I turned someone was telling me how hard it was going to be having two babies. They said I'd have my hands full. They said I would be overwhelmed and changing diapers non-stop. They said it would be hard to give each of them the attention they deserved.

After a while, I started believing all of them and doubting myself.

Every once in a while, someone would say we were blessed. I believed that too and I wanted to cling to those words. That was so hard to do when all these other voices were drowning out my mommy instincts.

This fear gripped me for a few months, compounded by a choking incident or two Alex had before his first birthday.

But eventually, I won. The fear subsided. The voices went away. I realized I really did know what I was doing (at least most of the time) and I really did have my mommy act together (as much as can be expected). The laughter and babbling of my babies covered everything else.

Stop by Cheaper Than Therapy for more Thousand Words Thursday. And because I am hooked on the wisdom of hindsight, I'm also linking this post to Hooked On... at Hooked On Houses.